This HBR podcast episode featuring Alison Fragale, author of "Likeable Badass," challenges the notion that women must choose between being assertive and warm. Fragale argues that women are penalized for lacking warmth, not for being assertive. By combining competence and care, women can build status and ultimately gain power. The conversation explores practical tactics like framing ambition with concern for others, avoiding self-deprecation, and actively connecting with colleagues. Fragale also introduces the "collecting nos" exercise to encourage women to push boundaries and discover the true extent of their influence.

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Summary

  • Women are penalized for the absence of warmth, not the presence of assertiveness.
  • Combining assertiveness and warmth builds status, which leads to power.
  • Practical examples of combining these traits include Stacey Abrams' response to presidential ambitions, negotiating fair pay, and crafting out-of-office messages.
  • Avoid self-deprecation and deflecting compliments, as these diminish perceived competence.
  • Replace "busy" with more positive and informative responses when asked how you are.
  • Build connections daily by reaching out to one new or existing contact.
  • The "collecting nos" exercise involves making ten asks to ten different people to understand boundaries and build confidence.
  • Asking for what you need can benefit both parties and build future goodwill.

What makes this novel or interesting

  • Challenges the traditional double bind dilemma faced by women in leadership.
  • Provides actionable strategies to combine assertiveness and warmth.
  • Offers a fresh perspective on networking and negotiation.
  • Introduces the "collecting nos" exercise as a unique tool for personal and professional growth.
  • The research-backed insights demonstrate that both qualities can co-exist.

Verbatim Quotes

  • On the Double Bind: "Women are not penalized for the presence of assertiveness. They’re penalized for the absence of warmth."
  • On Status and Power: "These qualities aren’t at odds. We can and should combine them because that’s how we build status — by showing we’re capable of getting along and getting things done. And once we have high status, that’s how we gain power, the control over resources."
  • On Authenticity and Strategy: "Authenticity and strategy can sit side by side."
  • On the Importance of Warmth: "The dimension of warmth is not just, ‘Am I likable? Am I friendly?’ but ‘Do I care about people other than myself?’”
  • On the "Collecting Nos" Exercise: "Ask for anything you want, if it's big or small, because then you can’t lose."

How to report this in the news

New research suggests a paradigm shift for women in leadership. Instead of walking a tightrope between being liked and being respected, women can and should embrace both warmth and assertiveness. Think of it like a recipe for success: competence is a key ingredient, but warmth is the essential spice that makes it palatable. This approach builds status and influence, leading to greater power and opportunity. The study encourages women to be proactive, connect with others, and not shy away from asking for what they need.

Detailed Recap

for Women Middle Managers and Executives

Building Status and Power Through Warmth and Assertiveness:

  • Challenge the Double Bind: Stop believing that you have to choose between being liked and being respected. Embrace both warmth and assertiveness to build status and influence.
  • Focus on Warmth: You are not penalized for being assertive, but for a lack of warmth. Demonstrate care and concern for others.
  • Dial Up Your Strengths and Weaknesses: Identify which quality – warmth or assertiveness – you tend to default to, and consciously "dial up" the other in appropriate situations. Practice until it feels more natural.

Practical Application in the Workplace:

  • Negotiations: Frame your ambitions with a concern for fairness and equality. For example, in salary negotiations, emphasize your worth while also expressing a desire for fair compensation across the board.
  • Communication: Stop self-deprecating and deflecting compliments. Own your accomplishments and graciously accept praise. When asked how you are doing, avoid saying “busy”. Instead, share a positive update or express enthusiasm for the interaction.
  • Out-of-Office Messages: Use your out-of-office message to project both competence and warmth. Avoid self-deprecating remarks and highlight the valuable work you will be doing while away.
  • Networking: Implement a daily connection habit. Reach out to one existing or new contact each day to maintain and expand your network. Start with reconnecting with people you already know and like to ease into the habit.

Pushing Boundaries and Building Confidence:

  • The "Collecting Nos" Exercise: Try the "collecting nos" exercise. Make ten asks to ten different people at work. This helps you understand boundaries, identify opportunities, and build confidence in advocating for yourself.
  • Reframe Rejection: Don’t fear rejection. Getting a "no" does not necessarily impact your status, especially if you handle it gracefully. It can even build future goodwill.
  • Remember the Spotlight Effect: People are not scrutinizing you as much as you think. Don’t overthink your asks or responses.

Continuous Improvement:

  • Observe and Learn: Pay attention to people who effectively combine warmth and assertiveness. Observe their behavior and consider how you can adapt those tactics to your own style.
  • Experiment and Grow: Step outside your comfort zone and try new approaches. Personal and professional growth requires experimentation and learning from both successes and failures.
  • Ask Yourself: In every interaction, ask yourself, "What can I do to show up as both assertive and warm?" This simple question can be transformative.

Things to Try

Generated using the prompt provided at the end of this post.

1. Create a daily connection habit

  • Useful Mindset: People can't help build your status if they don't know you exist
  • Advice: Make one meaningful connection each weekday through:
    • Sending a new LinkedIn connection request
    • Reconnecting with someone you haven't talked to in while
    • Using "dead time" (like waiting in car) to reach out
  • Practical Tip: Keep a list of people to reach out to, or scroll to bottom of text messages to find people you haven't contacted recently

2. When people compliment you, accept it graciously

  • Useful Mindset: When someone gives you a compliment, they're giving you their opinion
  • Advice: Don't deflect or disagree - it creates conflict instead of connection
  • Warning: We are considered experts of ourselves, so when we downplay our abilities, people believe us

3. Collect 10 "nos" through intentional asks

  • Useful Mindset: The boundary between where people say yes and no is usually further out than we think
  • Advice:
    • Make 10 different asks to 10 different people
    • Ask for anything you want, big or small
    • Keep track until you get 10 genuine "nos"
    • If you get a yes, it doesn't count toward your total
  • Examples of asks: Extra resources for projects, role changes, professional development opportunities

4. When making requests, share your preferences openly

  • Useful Mindset: People want to know what's better for you because they care about their status in your eyes
  • Advice:
    • Be clear about what you need/prefer
    • Frame requests in terms of what would be helpful
    • Don't negotiate against yourself before asking
  • Warning: Don't worry too much about rejection - people are typically more focused on their own concerns

5. In every interaction, look for ways to demonstrate both competence and caring

  • Useful Mindset: These qualities aren't in conflict - they can and should be combined
  • Advice: Before each interaction, ask yourself "What can I do to show up as both assertive and warm?"
  • Examples:
    • When sharing accomplishments, connect them to how they benefit others
    • When making requests, acknowledge others' perspectives
    • When leading, combine clear direction with genuine care for others

6. Learn from others' effective behaviors

  • Useful Mindset: What feels inauthentic now can become natural with practice
  • Advice:
    • Notice when you feel warmth toward others and analyze what they did
    • Observe what makes you respect someone's capability
    • Try small experiments with new behaviors that worked for others
    • Push yourself slightly out of your comfort zone
  • Warning: If something doesn't work after a few tries, try a different approach

7. Remove self-deprecating language from professional communications

  • Useful Mindset: There are ways to build warmth that don't involve cutting down your own capability
  • Advice:
    • Avoid apologizing for normal business practices
    • Don't highlight your shortcomings unnecessarily
    • Focus on what you're accomplishing rather than what you're not
  • Example: In out-of-office messages, focus on what you're working on and how it will benefit others rather than apologizing for delayed responses

One-Off AI Prompt

Used to generate the Things to Try section

Please review the transcript and identify all instances where there's specific advice that can be applied. 

For example:

#### To Do: When people ask how you are, reply with something other than "busy"
* Useful Mindset: You've been given an opening to tell your story
* Advice: Be truthful, say something short that inspires curiosity, conveys that you're succeeding or that you care about the other party.
* Example: "Hearing from you is the best part of my day." Or "It's a great work week so far."